When you get into an argument and hear yourself saying things you know shouldn't be said. This strategy can help take a step or two closer to normal conversation.
When Your Brain Is Overloaded
In the heat of the moment, you might feel angry, or overwhelmed, or desperate or the need to run. It's not calm thoughtful or intelligent the way you are with other people. Here is a simple, research tested process to get you closer to normal
1. Stop!
Make the argument stop by saying what is absolutely true in that moment:
"I am really ______________ (angry or frustrated or some feeling). This will go badly if we keep going."
"I need to take a break till I feel more normal."
Research on arguing couples shows they have elevated heartrates, blood pressure and stress hormones that cause their brains to prioritize fighting and de-prioritize thinking. When you are angry, you are less intelligent because brain resources have been diverted to make you powerful instead.
2. Take a Break
Get away and get your mind off the topic you were arguing about. Do not take a break to think it over. Deliberately think about something else.
Maybe take a walk and pay attention to the trees, the sky, the mountains, or even just the dirt. Listen to the birds or the cars or whatever you can hear. Smell the air.
When you take this kind of a break, your heart rate will come down, stress hormones will reduce and your brain will switch back to more intelligent thinking. The brain researchers call this "executive control."
3. Play the Movie in Your Head
First, After you feel closer to normal, visualize the scene of the argument and how it would go if you had just stayed in it. Hear the raised voices, the harsh words, and the accusations. See how it usually ends and the bitter state of mind both of you can get into for the rest of the day or even the rest of the month. You know what this looks like because you have done it all before.
Second, play the movie where the argument goes better, gets solved or maybe just postponed. See yourself using different words to make that happen. See yourself looking calmer or kinder, whatever would work. Hear yourself talking like a partner or a lover or a leader or whatever it takes. Hear yourself talking with humor or love. Hear yourself even taking the other person's perspective into account.
This method of visualizing is time tested. Recovering alcoholics use this to play the movie of what will happen after they take that first drink. Impulsive or ADHD personalities use visualization to help them see the risks or benefits of their behaviors. We all use it to avoid repeating painful mistakes.
4. Go Back and Offer to Start Over
Don't just let it lie. That doesn't work. This time use something called "gentle startup." Most arguments end the way they start. Start gentle and you could get a gentle ending. Maybe admit that you were angry and said some harsh things.
Face it, you are only going to do one of four things in this discussion:
Stand your ground
Negotiate
Compromise
Postpone
Can you do what you need to do with kindness or love? Can you do it without accusations or bringing up old issues? You can. When anger subsides, your intelligence and wisdom return.
Most issues between couples never get solved. Issues like this are normal for most relationships with differences like this:
neat vs messy
careful vs adventurous
extrovert vs introvert
late vs on time
emotional vs rational
thrifty vs spending
planning vs spontaneous
Successful couples usually solve these with some combination of compromise, negotiation and forgiveness. They somehow keep the kindness in those discussions and stop discussions from escalating into fight or flight
Take it Further: Learn to Make your Relationship Better
There are many ways to improve your relationship. Here are some you might try:
Buy a famous book like one of these two Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love - Amir Levine The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert - John Gottman Hold Me Tight: Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships - Sue Johnson
Follow some video or podcast experts on relationships such as John Gottman Esther Perel Sue Johnson
Take some a local couples course
Take a course of couples counselling together
Dixon Zalit is a counsellor in Vernon BC, offering counselling for stress and anxiety, relationships and other therapy topics.